ευγνώμων

Is This Existentialism? Prolly Not.

I often ponder the fact that the choices I've made, one month ago, one year ago, or five years ago, are directly influencing my state of being at this very time and place. Rather than feel remorseful or contemptuous, I am generally comforted by the idea of reaping what I sow. It reduces the seeming senselessness of my life, what I am doing. For the most part. The other factors, unrelated to my choices, also have their cause-and-effect relationship with the goings-on in the big world, though I try not to toss too much responsibility that way.

My interpersonal relationships are influenced directly by my choices, while my relationship with the society in which I live is not so much within the bounds of my control.

For instance, I am single because I didn't want to marry my Highschool Sweetheart (which at the time I saw as the inevitable outcome of being in that relationship), and I just have to accept that.

I can also see the influence of my choices in my friendships, though there is a little grain of wonder and mystery therein. When I was almost incapable of making choices, and ran around Minneapolis like a Great Northern Wild Turkey with its head cut off, I happened upon the most wonderful group of friends a person could ask for, with whom I am still close. I met these people by crashing parties, hosted by people I didn't know, alone. So although I made direct choices, ie crashing parties, talking to the people I was drawn to, there is an unpredictable, fantastic element which coincides with the choice I made (or didn't make).

A few years down the road, I'm thinking I got it all figured out, and start making 'informed' choices, like which bar to hang out in, what would be a cool drink to drink or a hip song to sing. Choosing to associate with people, or sleep with them, or befriend them, based on a set of criteria only vaguely defined. These have proved to be much poorer choices, compounding any feeling of worthlessness that may reside somewhere deep in my heart-crannies.

Sounds like I either need to get back to complete randomness, or stop trying to meet people. The latter is much easier, and somehow lonlier.

As for my relationship with society, as I mentioned above, its machinations effect my circumstances, indirectly and directly, and I make a continual effort to keep myself from casting all responsiblity for my fate onto the seemingly injust character of our economy and educational system.

Basically I feel like my generation is being royally gipped of opportunities which we've been told were guaranteed us if we fed the college machine our parents' life earnings, and our future incomes. Totally not the case. The absurd unavailablity of affordable healthcare prevents the baby-boomers from retiring, keeps them clinging to their benefits packages, while recent graduates and nearly-homeless single mothers alike scramble for living-wage employment and as-needed doctor visits, all while attempting to pay student loans and/or feed children. This is the gap between the middle/upper class and the rest of America.

In addition, our country has a standing army, which has been engaged by every single president in living memory. Apparently there's always something that needs doing, though we all know this isn't necessarily the case. We have made ourselves into the world's self proclaimed watchdogs in order to feed a military-industrial complex that will be the undoing of our ever so powerful nation, much like the Romans. Our country supports the needs and interests of the top 1%, the rulers, while the rabble, aka the population, scurries around, short-changing, cheating, scrimping, and generally being miserable. Every man for himself. If that 1% doesn't start putting the interests of the rest of our population first, we are supremely fucked.

Hence, I could justify my feelings of failure and my inconsequential influence on the city I live in, the state, the country, with these lofty concepts, yet I refuse.
I refuse because I see my friends pursuing their goals and dreams, having success, being happy with their place in life. If they can do it I can too. Maybe it's just a frame of mind, rather than an action or choice. Or maybe it is choices, directly. I sense that most people I know are choosing to actively pursue the things that are important to them, to make life what they want it to be, while I allow myself to be buffeted and blown about by whatever socio-economic wind comes my way. I need to start fucking the man (in more ways than one), but I don't know how.

I'm Katherine Peterson, I'm an emotional fuck up and a piece of social driftwood. I'm going to change this, as soon as I figure out what to do about it.

I Am Growing Young.

This dawned on me last night talking to Brian. I feel that the more I know, the more experiences I have, the more I realize how limitless the possiblities of the world are. Things can be so very, very, bad, and there is so much potential for good. Everything spans out in both directions infinitely. This makes me feel that I really know and understand nothing, much like a naieve child. I feel like a lost virgin, like a blank slate with nothing to put forth, because I know and understand nothing. This is in complete contrast to how I've felt my entire life.

The only thing I can compare it to is childhood. Wide-eyed wonder and a complete lack of comprehension or ability to think critically about the things around me. I simply do not understand.

Thus, I'm beginning to sense a sort of nameless fear and anxiety building within me. I don't know what's out there, or what effect it will have on me, so I have cut myself off. The idea of drunkeness, revelry, debauchery, bars, one night stands, puking, fighting...all these things are so repulsive to me that I fear them. Once again, this is a total 180. My lust for life has imploded on itself, and I don't know why.

As a result, I'm completely closed off from the people who mean so much to me. I feel like I don't know how to interact anymore. Like everthing is cumbersome and awkward, and potentially...evil, somehow.

I feel completely adrift, alone, with nothing to cling to, rushing down a rapids, no raft, no bearings, no rock or branch to reach out for. I don't feel close, or connected with anyone. Not my mom, not Beau, not even the one person I see every day, as of late.

This makes me completely miserable. And I have no idea how to change it. Even if I spent every minute with my friends, with people I do genuinely love, the same awkwardness and unease fills me, though it may not appear that way. If someone reached out to me, tried to show me love, I don't think I would know how to accept it, at this point, and that is the one thing I always felt I was made to do, to give and receive love. Maybe it's been so long since I've received it that I've lost the will.

I feel deeply unloved, even though this is totally untrue. And I feel sorry that I can't accept any love that might be offered, that that offering wouldn't change anything at this juncture.

I guess I'll have to wait it out.

This too shall pass.

Things I Fear

Last Night (Sort Of)

It was certainly more of a convergence than a wreck, but wow. Life takes you where it may.

Got confirmation that Ed is returning in February. YAAAAAAAAY!!!

Aubry will be back in a few weeks, as will Maureen. Woman love ahoy!

My mom had her interview for one of her potential positions down here (this was part of the aforementioned pile-up). It went really well and I am pining and hoping and praying for her to get called back for the 3rd and final round. If not, she still has a second interview for a job in St. Paul on the 12th.

Christmas is going to be INTENSE.

And I am feeling cryptic.