This dawned on me last night talking to Brian. I feel that the more I know, the more experiences I have, the more I realize how limitless the possiblities of the world are. Things can be so very, very, bad, and there is so much potential for good. Everything spans out in both directions infinitely. This makes me feel that I really know and understand nothing, much like a naieve child. I feel like a lost virgin, like a blank slate with nothing to put forth, because I know and understand nothing. This is in complete contrast to how I've felt my entire life.
The only thing I can compare it to is childhood. Wide-eyed wonder and a complete lack of comprehension or ability to think critically about the things around me. I simply do not understand.
Thus, I'm beginning to sense a sort of nameless fear and anxiety building within me. I don't know what's out there, or what effect it will have on me, so I have cut myself off. The idea of drunkeness, revelry, debauchery, bars, one night stands, puking, fighting...all these things are so repulsive to me that I fear them. Once again, this is a total 180. My lust for life has imploded on itself, and I don't know why.
As a result, I'm completely closed off from the people who mean so much to me. I feel like I don't know how to interact anymore. Like everthing is cumbersome and awkward, and potentially...evil, somehow.
I feel completely adrift, alone, with nothing to cling to, rushing down a rapids, no raft, no bearings, no rock or branch to reach out for. I don't feel close, or connected with anyone. Not my mom, not Beau, not even the one person I see every day, as of late.
This makes me completely miserable. And I have no idea how to change it. Even if I spent every minute with my friends, with people I do genuinely love, the same awkwardness and unease fills me, though it may not appear that way. If someone reached out to me, tried to show me love, I don't think I would know how to accept it, at this point, and that is the one thing I always felt I was made to do, to give and receive love. Maybe it's been so long since I've received it that I've lost the will.
I feel deeply unloved, even though this is totally untrue. And I feel sorry that I can't accept any love that might be offered, that that offering wouldn't change anything at this juncture.
I guess I'll have to wait it out.
This too shall pass.
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1 comment:
I love you.
I wish I'd read this sooner. I didn't realize you felt this way Katie... Don't stress. You are too beautiful and talented to be scared.
Then again, sometimes fear can be good. After all, the world and its possibilities ARE limitless for you. I know what you mean about imploding. But, I also know I can't let you do that, because it'd be pretty terrible if the whole world didn't get to witness you doing your thang, at your utmost, always.
Maybe the debauchery stuff isn't where you are right now -- instead of releasing energy socially, maybe you are seeking a new outlet? But which outlet... knowing "which one" is always the hardest part.
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